Please Stop Using the Phrase, “But he’s a good guy!”

One step that would be really helpful in supporting divorced and married women, is if we stop using the phrase, “but he’s a good guy,” when referencing any husband or ex-husband. I’m speaking to myself here as well. In the past, I’ve found myself shaking my head with people in affirmation, agreeing that yes, on the scale of things, my ex was “a good man,” in the same way I find myself quickly adding the phrase, “but it’s amicable” whenever I’m telling someone I’m going through a divorce, as if this makes it all more palatable. What’s implied when someone states, “but he’s a good guy,” is that then I’m not a good woman for having left him, and that he’s essentially not accountable for any of his previous bad behaviors that caused the divorce, many behaviors that are invisible to society either because they show no physical signs of abuse (no broken arm or black-and-blue eye) or no outward displays of socially unacceptable behavior (affairs, drug-use, bankruptcy, etc.).

A man can be a “good father” and love his children, and still be a shitty partner and unsupportive spouse. If he were such a “good man,” why did she divorce him? If he was so great, why would she risk her financial stability and children’s futures to go through difficult divorce proceedings to get away from him? We have no idea what happens within the interiority of a relationship, but unless both partners are saying, “we love each other, we just want to go in a different direction,” you can rest assured he’s not as great a man as his public image would make you believe. I almost went into a litany of personal examples here, but that really defeats the point of this discussion; I shouldn’t ever have to prove anything.

As I type now, I’m a year and a half into our separation, three months out from being divorced, and I still can’t even begin to unpack all the emotional abuse as I’m still sifting through it myself. I have started to remember all the ways in which my body tried to wake me up over the course of my relationship, which I ignored, until I no longer could. But when I say, I would have died had I stayed in the marriage, I’m not exaggerating. I may still have been walking around and smiling in pictures, but the soul of the person I know would have been snuffed out completely.

The double harm this phrase “but he’s a good guy” does to the woman leaving, is it continues to aid in gaslighting her experience. There are times when I catch myself now, in an amicable moment with my ex, and I think, “Was that all real?” And the answer is yes. But when women feel compelled to minimize the experience, it lessens their truth, their confidence, and their voice.

What does this phrase even mean, “a good guy”? Why do we feel compelled to even say this when describing certain men? What it tells me is that our definition of what we’ve settled for as a good guy has fallen so precipitously low that we’re willing to accept the bare minimum as the bell weather for human behavior. Is a “good guy” someone who holds a job, doesn’t beat his wife or kids, is financially responsible, doesn’t have substance abuse issues, or hasn’t cheated or made sexually inappropriate advances?

And when that phrase is used, what is the woman receiving it supposed to infer about herself? That’s she’s a bitch for leaving this “good man”? That she must be high maintenance or demanding?

I’ve probably stated this in prior posts, but 70% of women are the ones that initiate divorce and 90% are happier afterwards, even though often this leaves them in a tenuous if not devastating financial position, without child support, and condemned societally (or excluded from many social “coupled” events). Three women are killed daily in their marriage, and most of the harm women experience physically in the world (rape, physical violence, emotional abuse) happens within the confines of their marriage. The stats show that the majority of these heterosexual men are not “good guys.” Instead, many of what people see in society is the outward facing front of a man that does not present this way at home; in short, it’s a farce.

Here’s how I would describe a good man: contributes financially to the home; does at least 50% of the domestic labor of the household without being told; knows how to cook and grocery shop; actively works on his emotional trauma; shows up for his kids, not just at the sporting events or public testaments, such as a school play, but in the middle of the night when they’ve just thrown up, or when it’s twenty degrees out and they still want to play outside, or when they’re having an emotional break-down in the grocery store aisle; is intellectually curious and willing to grow emotionally; cares about the community, the environment, and social causes; takes the time to stay invested socially with his friends and family (not tasking that to the wife); takes care of his aging parents.

Emotional abuse and weaponized incompetence is insidious in its very nature as it’s incredibly difficult to pinpoint. Often accompanied with wonderful moments filled with kindness (Kindness is part of the abuse, says the brilliant Zawn from Liberating Motherhood), these harmful messages start to weave their way through your everyday life, making it hard to identify. I finally got to the point where I just felt crazy, because the emotionally gaslighting was so intense, and yet, I couldn’t verbalize what was actually happening. It took my body breaking down, from the exhaustion of handling everything on my own and from being worn down emotionally, for me to finally realize what was happening.

Here are some tips to start to identify if you’re in an emotionally abusive marriage (most likely with a narcissist or with narcissistic tendencies):

1. Basic, simple requests that benefit the entire family, are met with cynicism, facial gestures (the eyeroll was a big one), defensiveness, or push-back.

Of course, we’re not all going to be at our best all the time, but if the majority of the time, a simple request by you to your partner is met with these reactions, or you find yourself not asking for help because you already know the answer, then this is an abusive pattern.

The podcast, Time to Lean with Laura Danger and Crystal Britt which discusses domestic labor and how it leads to inequity, has a great episode on weaponized incompetence and when it turns into abuse. The problem in our society, is much of this behavior has been codified into heterosexual normativity, and it’s just something the women are “supposed to put up with,” just as the generations have done before them. It’s just “men being men.”

2. The focus becomes on your tone, and not the actual request.

This is a concept about tone police, where the request gets ignored because the focus inappropriately becomes about how you asked, what tone you used, if you gave enough praise in the past for said task, etc.

3. Control around the money. If you worry about leaving because you have no access to the financial resources, you’re in an abusive relationship.

This can be hard to determine in some situations, but the bottom line is if you don’t have access to the funds, if you’re left out of financial conversations, if financial decisions are made without your awareness or no conversation at all, then this is abusive and controlling behavior.

4. Making it difficult for you to pursue your own career as the household would suffer otherwise.

This can take many different forms from blatantly declaring they’re not helping with domestic tasks or helping with the kids, to telling you that you’re free to pursue your own career as long as “you’ve taken care of everything at home.” This too is when weaponized incompetence plays a big hand as if you don’t feel comfortable leaving your kids with your partner for more than a few hours, or you know that if you’re not taking care of everything at the house, it won’t happen, then this is another form of controlling abuse.

5. You find your social life is diminishing, and you don’t understand why.

This may not be an explicit control, as in telling you whom you can socialize with, but if you find yourself always exhausted, embarrassed to be with your partner in a social setting, feeling shame about yourself or loss of confidence, this is a good indicator that you’re experiencing emotional abuse at home.

6. Sabotaging your parental boundaries when they do “take care of the kids.”

This could look like threatening to put the kids in front of the television or a device all day when you ask to have an hour to yourself. Or always wanting to be a “friend” with the kids (giving them unlimited treats to eat or unenforced bedtimes), instead of a parent establishing healthy boundaries and routines.

7. Unable to give compliments or praise. The “why do you love me” test.

I recently heard this, and it blew me away, as it perfectly summed up my experience. If you ask your partner why they love you, and all they do is point to things you “do” and nothing personal about you, then you only exist in their world to serve them.

8. Blaming you if something goes wrong at home, and you’re not there, such as not having suntan lotion in the beach bag, or running out of bananas for a smoothie, instead of just fixing the problem themselves like the adult they claim to be.

No further explanation needed.

9. You’re exhausted all the time, your sick a lot, and/or your body is breaking down

Being in relationship with someone who is a narcissist or emotionally abusive is like pouring all of your emotional resources and energy into a sieve. It leaves you completely drained all of the time, because they never give back to you in a meaningful way. But it’s hard to see this while you’re in it. As Kate Anthony said on her podcast about Surviving Narcissistic Relationships with Dr. Kerry Kerr McAvoy,“You can’t read the jar from inside the bottle.” So how do you know if this is happening to you when you’re in it? Look to your body. If your body is constantly breaking down, if you’re always sick, and finding you’re a shell of your former self and you don’t know why, you’re in a narcissistic, abusive relationship.

10. You partner says “I’m the same person I’ve always been.”

This is a red flag. Life is about growth and change. If you’re in a partnership where there is no curiosity, open-mindedness, creativity, and change, then these are barriers resistant to healthy relationships. Plus, this is also a big indicator that your partner is a narcissist.

Why do I care so much about this? I’m not a psychiatrist. What does it matter the diagnosis or your partner’s mental condition?

I used to wonder this myself and for a while, decided it didn’t matter how I “diagnosed” my ex; all that mattered was I knew I had to leave. But I’ve circled back on that decision, and this is why. I’ve learned that narcissism is a personality disorder—it can’t change. Much like someone who is autistic isn’t going to become unautistic, narcissists are hard wired to be who they are. This is important to know, because if you’re in a partnership with them, there is nothing you can personally do to help them get better. Yes, it can at times be managed better, much like my ADHD, but there’s no cure. There’s no amount of love, commitment, therapy, affirmations, etc. that are going to change it.

Moving forward, perhaps instead of commenting on the ex, since no one really knows what happens in the bedroom, I’m going to give the woman sitting in front of me a boost of confidence and an unexpected compliment. I’m going to tell her, “You’re incredible, and strong, and handling so much on your own. Mazel! I’m in awe of you setting such a loving example for your children to follow, to choose yourself, to learn to love yourself. I’m here for you.”

Here's to all the mother’s out there, and the daughters trying to live with them;)

All my love,

k