When to Forgo Couples Counseling, Part 2

Truffles, as me, wondering what happened this week when the post became so popular.

It has been an interesting week with Substack. I’m not sure why, but my essay, “When to Forgo Couples’ Counseling” which I posted last September of 2024 suddenly became incredibly popular (with the title misspelled as forego—hand to face emoji!). I don’t understand the algorithms of this platform, or any social media platform for that matter. I have no idea how this happened or why it happened now.

A positive take-away from all of this has been some beautiful conversations with other writers and readers, saying they too, sadly, had similar experiences with couples counseling. This is why we write—to connect with others, to find a collective song with our voice. Reading and commenting on these replies has been wonderful and validating for someone who weekly struggles with whether or not I should post, whether or not I have anything worth sharing.

So thank you! Thank you for reading, and sharing, and commenting.

Sadly, I also ended up having to block a reader. One of the comments, from a man( I suppose based upon the name and the image) was incredibly hurtful. I debated whether to engage or not, but it’s clear from his second and third response that he too has been harmed from the patriarchal system. It’s not me he’s upset with, he’s just hurt. Another reader took up on my behalf and elegantly defended a woman’s right to divorce, which I so appreciated. In the end, I blocked this man from my site, as his page shows he’s dedicated to ignorance and hate, and I have no tolerance for either.

I suppose though, for having over 4k views on the article in one week, to have just one run-in with a harmful reader is statistically good.

Based on a few comments I received, I felt compelled to give a fuller picture of the experience.

The ending of the story feels a little flippant, as though making the decision to separate was as easy as taking out the trash. I was trying to insert a little levity and sarcasm onto a heavy topic. But of course, the decision was incredibly difficult and it took me a long time to come to. Marriages are rife with complexity, both from each partner’s own personal bag of delights, to the mixing of finances, to intermingling with extended family, to societal influences, and finally, if you so choose, to raising children together.

I started to question whether to stay in my marriage right after my son was born, when the emotional abandonment started. So the fact that we made it six years after that moment until we separated, I think should be commended, as we continued to come to the proverbial table. The reason I had the panic attack, and knew then for sure the marriage was over, was because my body was responding to a pattern of abandonment that had plagued our marriage from the beginning; it became evident the pattern wasn’t going to change. And still, it took me asking to separate three times over the course of two years, before it happened. It is extremely difficult to untangle from emotional abuse and the system of marriage. Any woman that does, should be commended on the highest level.

Here are some comments that came from “When To Forgo Couples’ Therapy” that I wanted to address:

1. The issue of privacy within marriages and families, and when to break your silence.

I received a lovely note from another writer with a much greater following than my own, commenting about how hard it is at times to know the boundaries of when to reveal such intimate stories about our private lives, lives that include growing children. I completely agree with this sentiment, and this line will be different for everyone. For me, I felt compelled to tell my story, both because I’m a writer, but also because I wanted to help other women feel less alone, the way I felt for so much of my marriage. And, I will follow that saying, there is a lot that I don’t share because I don’t feel it’s appropriate.

Funny enough, this essay was originally supposed to be published anonymously by a big online publication (and it was for four weeks, until I made them take it down). However, when they presented me with the contract for a measly $200 and they were going to get lifetime rights over it, I retracted the piece. It felt too personal, too private, for a corporation to own and edit however they saw fit. It took me another six months to publish it on my own Substack page, which still felt risky since we still had yet to go through mediation and divorce proceedings.

I write, because I can, and not all women are in a position to do so. I also look to female authors whose stories gave me strength, and hope I can continue to break the silence with them: Splinters by Leslie Jamison, Liars by Sarah Manguso, You Could Make This Place Beautiful by Maggie Smith, This American Ex-Wife, by Lyz Lenz, The Cost of Living, by Deborah Levy, The Department of Speculation, by Jenny Offill, The Leaving Season, A Memoir, by Kelly McMasters, The Urgent Life, by Bozoma Saint John. Substack writers: Zawn’s Liberating Motherhood, Men Yell At Me with Lyz, The Mother Load with Cindy DiTiberio.

2. My son, James.

One comment came in that at first sight, felt harmful. (And now he’s blocked.)

One of the driving factors in my decision to ultimately divorce, was doing what is best for my son. There were many times while married when I just resigned myself to bearing through it all, solely for the benefit of my child. But in the end, I could see that this wasn’t the answer at all. That staying in a toxic marriage made me toxic, as well as our home environment. I chose to get off the generational trauma cycle that my partner and I were both trapped in. Here was my answer to the question (or hurtful jab), “I’m sure James loves having divorced parents”:

I appreciate your concern for my son's wellbeing. What this story doesn't mention, which I've written about in my own work which I plan to publish soon, is that he was already asking me why "Mommy and Daddy were always fighting." And you know what really broke my heart? He asked this on days we weren't even fighting, which showed me that the tension was so taut in our home, that even when my son was busy watching cartoons, there was little air for him to actually breathe. There is no easy answer for any of this; you have to choose which hard you can live with. As I've written on quite a bit, our society perpetuates an image of divorce as being shameful and destructive for a family, and while that can be true, so too can a marriage perpetuate an equal measure of harm. I'm fortunate that my ex and I both wanted to center our son in everything we did as we restructured our family post-divorce, and at this stage, we're at one of our healthiest moments as a family. We all go out to dinner for special family occasions, and we've even travelled together, with separate rooms of course. The point was to show our son that even though we weren't still married, we were still a family. And at this stage, James seems to be thriving, as he sees both parents are healthy and happy, which gives him the freedom to do the same.

3. Marriage Counselors that I think may work

While it’s true our experience with marriage counseling was horrendous, I will say, at this stage of co-parenting in divorce, we’re doing remarkably well. So perhaps that’s due to the counseling? Or I just know what to expect.

One of the therapy sessions that did work was a Terry Real workshop that revolved around sharing your life story up until you were eighteen-years-old with your partner. This exercise we both found profoundly moving, because even though we technically “knew everything” about each other, hearing it from your partner’s voice, in succession of events, helped to bring a deeper, more compassionate understanding for their experience.

Terry Real’s work focuses on the men, primarily, and how patriarchy has not served them: expressing feelings, retreating emotionally. One of his notable books, “I Don’t Want To Talk About It,” explores male depression in our patriarchal system. The reason his approach didn’t work with us, I believe, is that we didn’t have Real as our therapist. We had someone else “trained” in his approach.

I think it’s interesting that recently, The NYTimes had an article about Real’s approach, entitled, “How I Learned That the Problem in My Marriage Was Me.” The story describes Real in this way:

Perhaps his great distinction, in a field known for its gentleness and neutrality, is the force with which he confronts clients, particularly men, about their immaturity.

The article goes on to show how one husband’s anger issues were ruining his marriage, which Real helped him confront in an abrupt manner.

It’s not until the fourth session that Real really fillets me. We’ve been talking about my anger and the ways it manifests: sarcasm, yelling, quiet but venomous contempt. Real has just told me, bluntly but compassionately, that I need to stop.

“I have two words for you,” he says, “and I say this with love: Wake up.” I need to learn how to deal with my distress in a way that doesn’t involve dumping it all over my wife, and I need to do it now, not next month or next year.

I find this type of therapy more effective. The article did leave me wondering how on earth the wife had managed to suffer through so much emotional abuse for twenty years and could still sit through these sessions.

4. Should we have started marriage counseling sooner?

Another thoughtful exchange I had within the comments was with a man who suggested that perhaps if we had started counseling sooner, this would have helped. Perhaps, yes. In general, I think we’re all inherently likely to repeat the cycles of relationships that we grew up with, whether we’re consciously trying to do so, or not. So being aware of this at the start of marriage, would be very beneficial.

The bigger issue that needs to be addressed here, however, is that the system of couples’ counseling is inherently flawed because the system of marriage is flawed; it was built to subjugate women. Of course, this isn’t the case for all couples and there are men that defy this cultural normality. But the fact remains that the system is broken. As I wrote in “I’d Like A Glass of Water; Addressing Systemic Issues in Heterosexual Marriages:”

“Lyz Lenz’s incredible book, “The American Ex-Wife,” chronicles this well in several chapters about how domestic labor for the woman goes down after divorce because it’s now court mandated for the father to take care of the children at times (of course this isn’t true with all divorces). It’s also easier to live in a house where you’re not constantly picking up after or cleaning up after a man. A woman now has time to pursue her hobbies, her passions, and her sleep (there’s study that documents that women get more sleep after divorce – you have to read the book!). The National Institute of Health has studies that show women are physically and emotionally healthier after divorce…Lenz states, “The question is not what is a good man (or woman)? The question is how can we all be allowed to be equally and fully human? We’ve been making it an individual rather than a systemic issue. A “What’s wrong with me?”…rather than looking at how the structure of heterosexual relationships is oppressive. How we celebrate the martyr mother archtype and denigrate the selfish woman who blows it all up so she can live free…” (p.186)”

There is no way to “Fair Play” our way out of this. The structure, like many structures in our society today, needs a complete make-over.

So here are some fundamental questions I’d consider before embarking on therapy:

What are we trying to accomplish?

a. Better communication? Go to couples counseling.

b. Feel closer to each other? Lost connection? Book a vacation without the kids.

c. Whether to stay married? Discernment counseling.

d. Not sure what the issue is but you feel lost and alone in your partnership? Individual therapy.

5. Why this message resonates now?

There is so much in our society, whether from patriarchy or misogyny or capitalism, that continuously pushes the false notion to just keep going, just keep trying, just keep doing something. I wonder if the simple permission to “stop” is what resonates now. This is a concept I’ve been struggling with in my own life—doing less, being gentler with myself, rethinking how I “show up” as a woman and a mother. When I broke my ankle, it was the first time I was forced to simply “sit” and not “do.” It was one of the hardest messages for me to accept and yet, it became the most transformational. By being softer on my body, my body grew stronger. By resting, I came into myself more fully.

Thank you again for reading. I look forward to your comments;)

All my love,

k