Lessons from going viral on Substack

And dealing with male trolls

me, undercover the last few weeks;)

I guess it had to happen at some point. Put up a post that men don’t like, that threatens them, and challenges the belief that they have unlimited access to women’s bodies, and BOOM! Cue the attacks from none other than…the white men themselves.

How dare a woman suggest that she can decide if she wants to have sex or not. How dare a woman state that she is not obligated as a wife to have sex with her husband. How dare a woman have agency over her body.

They really made it all so easy, validating my argument in a way I never could.

In case you’re wondering what I’m referring to, a few weeks ago I posted an essay, “I Know This Idea is Unpopular, But It’s Time for a Sex Strike,” in response to the news about the Rape Academy, where wives are being drugged, raped by their husbands, and the images are being videotaped for paying customers.

Of course I know a sex strike will never happen. I even stated in the title that it’s an unpopular idea. But as I’ve written before, a sex strike has worked in other countries:

In the Togo, in 2012, women had a sex strike to try to stop the violence happening in their country and to bring back democracy. It took all of seven days to be successful. SEVEN DAYS, that’s all. It’s pathetic really.

During the Pelopponesian war, women in Athens stopped having sex with men in an effort to end the war, as documented in the ancient Greek play, “Lysistrata,” written and performed in 411 BCE.

But you don’t have to go that far back to see that it has been an effective tool for women in today’s age, whether it be in Colombia, in the Philippians, or in Liberia, women have used a “keep your legs closed,” approach to finally get what they need, which in all cases, is something for the larger community: less gang violence, a road to help their travels to work, the end to warfare, and reinstatement of democracy.

I realize of course, that an idea like this, a sex strike, is not possible for all women and puts many in life-or-death situations with physical violence and domestic abuse. But for those of us where it is possible, perhaps it’s the last form of communication needed to get the men to do what they should have done in the first place – give us equal human rights and the ability to make health care decisions for our own bodies.

So yes, I know this idea will never happen in the U.S., but it is a great litmus test to see what happens to men (and sadly women too) when you float the idea to get a conversation started. Just sit back and watch the latent misogyny, or in this case, full on rage emerge.

But what else are we to do to make change? Boycott the internet until these rapists and pedophiles are held accountable? Hold a general strike from working? This hurts people of lower and middle income. Or do what I dream of every day— lay down in the street until change happens? But then who will take care of the children, and the sick, and the elderly?

And it doesn’t matter where you live in the U.S. right now, if your state is pro abortion or not (S.C. is currently trying to pass the most restrictive abortion laws in the country). As Valenti reported in Abortion Everyday, two mothers in pro-abortion states have been arrested and investigated for helping their teenage daughters get an abortion. Where were the father’s in this situation?

What to do? How to make effective change when losing our fundamental rights in society as women? We are in the Handsmaid’s Tale. It’s here.

I will say too that the atmosphere in Substack is changing, and not for the better. Up until now, I’ve had wonderful back-and-forth discussions with other women writers, and have learned so much from other women being so open and vulnerable about their own lives. I fear this openness will change on the platform if Substack doesn’t take a stance soon. Or, it will all have to go behind paid walls. I have written about this notion of a sex strike three times, and this is the first time I have been viciously attacked with vile comments from men. I have had other essays go viral too, with only one or two “off-color” remarks, again, from men. Nothing like this past experience.

In the beginning, my instinct was to erase all the hateful comments, but thinking of Gisèle Pelicot, I realized this is not my shame to hide. This cruelty was made by the men and I will keep their pernicious, ignorant words up for everyone to see. Words written by white men with bios stating “they’re the proud father of girls” and “followers of Christ.”

My favorite intended diss became an unintended compliment: “It’s not all Kates, but it’s always Kate.” I’m thinking of getting tee-shirts made:)

With time, I’ve reported all the hate speech to Substack, blocked these idiots from my posts, and blocked Andrew Tate as well, which is how I think all of this started, since he’s now on the platform. Now, I’m monitoring the atmosphere of the platform to see if I’ll stay or move to Patreon.

It’s also good to know that what these men are doing, by trolling feminist like me, sometimes posing as women or people of color, is a coordinated global attack called Operation Lollipop, a 2014 online trolling campaign designed to discredit feminist movements.

All of this led me to do what I should have done a long time ago, which is practice virtual hygiene, and scrub my site of images of me or my son, as well as any personal info. And from now on, comments will only be for subscribers.

Shannon Watts gave me excellent advice on how to do all of this, and I received great advice from Cindy DiTiberio too, author of The Mother Lode.

So all in all, it was good learning lesson in the end, although not fun to go through. It was also a sad reminder of the world we do live in—a deeply racist, homophobic, misogynist society. And I’m amazed at the women and leaders who have gone before me and stomached much more hateful attacks.

In the end, it’s Alok’s words that have been staying with me: hatred is a convenient detour from feeling pain.

Our world is in a lot of pain right not, and while that doesn’t give anyone the right to put that pain towards others, it is an indicator that our system of Patriarchy is not working for anyone.

Thank you for your support,

With love,

k